CHAPTER FIVE

It seemed to Connie that men and women no longer wanted one another. The best a woman could do was to trick herself into believing that a man wanted her, which is what had happened to Connie with Michaelis. She could see now why people had their parties and dances. It was all a way to get that inner feeling of frustration out. In some ways she wished that she had run off with Michaelis to live out the rest of her life in one big party. Michaelis would not have had to love her then. It would be sad, but less sad than her present life, she thought.

"So there's love, marriage, my husband, and Michaelis. And I guess that's it." She imagined herself on her last day of life, looking back over the years and saying the same thing to herself just before dying: "I guess that's it."

She would often cry bitter tears over this, but then she would stop herself and say: "I don't need anything more than I have. I will just continue to be with Clifford, help him to write his books, and do what I always do. Who needs sex?"

But then there was the issue of a baby. This was something she could not put out of her head so easily. At the same time, she could not imagine anyone with whom she might have a child. None of the men she knew were good enough. For this reason, she began to think that it would probably have to be a man from a far away place, totally different from those in England.

It had rained and the ground was too soft for Clifford to go out in his chair, but he needed a message to be sent to the gamekeeper, so he asked Connie if she would mind taking it to him. She did not mind, for she had planned to go for a walk on her own, anyway.

When she arrived at the gamekeeper's house, she heard a sound coming from around the backyard, so she followed the noise. Coming around the corner, she saw the gamekeeper washing himself at his back door. He had no shirt on and his pants were hanging loosely from his waist, looking just about ready to fall at any moment. He was pouring water over his head and washing out the soap from his hair. She was enjoying with her eyes the whiteness of the skin around his lower waist, when suddenly she turned and ran back toward the forest. She felt both excited and disgusted. Something about seeing the man both attracted her and made her want to run away. She stopped and remembered that she had Clifford's message to deliver. She had to go back.

Walking slowly toward the house again, she felt embarrassed about having seen him, and made sure to give him enough time to finish his bath and dress.

Once she arrived, she nervously knocked at his door. Moments later, he opened the door.

"Lady Chatterley, good afternoon," he said with an easy smile. "Please, come in."

"I have just come with a message from Sir Clifford ... " And she proceeded to tell him her husband's wishes. While speaking, she noticed a kindness in his eyes.

"Fine. I will take care of it immediately," he answered.

"Do you live here all alone?" she then asked.

"Yes, ma'am. All alone."

"And what about your mother?"

"She has her own home."

"And I suppose your daughter lives with her?"

At this, the gamekeeper's eyes showed both surprise and anger.

"Yes, your Ladyship. They live together."

"Well, I hope that I didn't bother you," Connie said, turning to go.

He then walked her down to the gate and opened it for her. Walking behind him, Connie felt that he did not seem like the type of person to be a gamekeeper or worker.

Later that day, Connie mentioned the gamekeeper to Clifford.

"He's an interesting man, isn't he? Sometimes he seems almost like a gentleman, wouldn't you say?"

"I didn't really notice, actually," Clifford replied. "People often learn proper manners while working for officers in the Army. Then, of course, as soon as they return home, they lose it all and go back to being rough and uneducated."

"But don't you think something is different about him?" Connie persisted.

"No, not really."

Connie knew that this was Clifford's way of lying to himself. He was afraid of recognizing equality in other men. Everyone had to be lower than him or he would feel uncomfortable. Connie wondered why the men of her age were all so scared of everything.

(end of section)